Last week, I was in my kitchen and dropped a fork on my bare foot. As I started to feel the impact of the mild but annoying pain, I screamed at the top of my lungs "are you f*cking kidding me?" It was the last straw at the end of a very long day and I had hit my limit. I had to let "it" out. I had no idea what "it" was after I belted out my anguish and did some reflection. I couldn't pin point why I had so much anger/rage brewing up inside of me that I had to release it. All I know, I did feel a sense of release after my semi-tearful bellow.
Sure, I can blame it on this season in my life, hormones, not sleeping well, not being nourished properly...blah, blah, blah. After a week of still being concerned about where this came from, I did a little more digging and I came up with a few ideas.
-I am doing way too much shit for other people
-I am not taking any time for away from stimulation (phone, news, computers)
-I am not holding true to my necessary boundaries
-I am not stopping long enough to really check in on myself
There it is friends, I am not taking the time to pause. There is so much power in the pause but there is also a little anxiety in the pause for me. I start to see all things that are going wrong. Imperfections in my life and especially, in myself. When I slow down, I start to see things I do not like and need to work on. This is uncomfortable. This is why I do not pause. I don't want to see it.
Nothing is perfect, I am not perfect. I know this. The question is, do I accept it? 97% of the time, I do not. This is the push and pull of being at ease with imperfections. Is 97% really good for me? Apparently not because of the mishap with a fork and a monster coming out of me at 6 pm on a Tuesday.
I know I am in need of the pause, being ok with being imperfect and finding a little more peace within myself.
Tell me, how do you sit with imperfection?
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